So I had an epiphany today.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I adore my children and always have. They make my heart contract in a way I didn’t know was possible.
But being a Mum? No. I haven’t been loving that.
It hasn’t just been the lack of sleep, the crying , the constant worrying, the strain on my marriage or the fact that I am currently watching a colleague steal my job from under my nose.
No no – can’t blame any of that. It is Me.
I worry and stress about everything. I have control issues. I want everything to be perfect, organised, under control. I have to be prepared for every eventuality, I have 3 diaries and a wall chart. I just can’t let things go.
Today though – today , while in the garden throwing the ball for the dog for the 100th time and watching my little girl copy everything I did – I realised a few things.
- The world will not stop if the children don’t have a weeks supply of clean underwear in their drawers at all times
- I have never been as happy in my life as I am today
- Nothing really matters outside my family’s four walls
- My children are becoming little people and I just love them
- I don’t like being apart from them
Okay, so I will still enjoy going to work tomorrow and having a Hot cuppa and some adult conversation. And I will still dress all the dolls before I go to bed, because I can’t help myself. And of course my Littlest One pooed herself before she went to bed, because she always does – But do you know what, I am okay with that.
Maybe, subconsciously, I don’t care about the job. There is only so far you can go, I have nothing left to prove. I have got something more important to do.