I have two wonderful amazing, beautiful, wonderful (insert all other Mummy/parent speak here) children. I adore them. Yes, they are hard work and exhausting and there are days where I wonder what planet they came from. But all in all, life is good.
The Cyclist dropped a bombshell on me a few weeks ago. ‘Let’s have 3rd’ he casually says during our Tikka Masala. I nearly choked. A third has never been on the cards. We are just coming out the other side of baby-ville, final hurdle – potty training.
We don’t have enough bedrooms, I”m the wrong side of 30, I’ve sold everything on Ebay. I don’t want to be fat again.
To be honest, apart from all those cliches, here are the three things that have been torturing me the past few weeks.
1. My Family.
My youngest is 3. And well, she is a little difficult. No – she’s bloody hard work. There are days I think I can’t cope with her. How would SHE cope with another baby? Would it undo all the progress she has made recently? Would she regress?
What about my eldest? I already worry that I don’t have enough time for everybody and I fear she would suffer.
The Cyclist – well I don’t know how he puts up with me to be frank. I’m unpredictable, I’m manic, I have obsessive tendancies. I swear too much. I shout. He says I am a wonderful Mum. Not sure what he thinks about me as a Wife.
2. Everybody else
So I think I am a strong person, I know my own mind. I am a professional with a high pressure , difficult job. I make life changing decisions for people all the time. Yet here I am worrying what OTHER PEOPLE WILL THINK. I hate myself for it. Yet I can’t help it. What is wrong with me?
Well I had a rough ride in work with my first two pregnancies. They were not exactly well received, although we have got over that now. However, I have told work that I have completed my family and have no plans for any more children. They have made plans for my return to full time hours next year. I feel sick at the thought of telling them any different. I know this is ridiculous. I know it is my life. I know this is all very irrational. But I think – No -, I know, that this would probably damage my working relationship, potentially beyond repair.
Deep down, I think I have made my decision. I think I would love to have the opportunity to make my family of four into a five. It won’t be easy. It may not even happen. I will have to plan very carefully how I do things. But I have a husband who loves and supports me and who believes in me as a Mummy.
So, lots of if’s and buts and maybes. But if I am not careful here, the only person I will really disappoint is myself.
Do all these thoughts make me Selfish and shallow and small? Did I lose my backbone in the last couple of years? Is this normal? Answers on a postcard…